What do your strengths need?
One of my greatest discoveries when I was training to become a strengths coach is the concept that each of our strengths have needs. When the needs of our strengths aren’t met, we are triggered into a place of toxicity. The result is that we can end up underusing or overusing our strengths and they show up as weaknesses.
Our strengths dictate the way we see the world. They influence how we think, feel, behave and ask questions. And because our strengths come so naturally to us, we expect everyone else to think, feel and behave in the same way that we do. When they don’t it can trigger us into a place of frustration and toxic behavior.
Here’s an example of how this happens.
One of my top 5 strengths is Empathy. I find it easy to sense the emotions of the people around me and often find I can walk into a room and intuitively sense what is happening. I like to ask questions to find out why people feel a certain way and putting myself into the shoes of others to understand how they feel comes naturally to me.
Because I have the strength of Empathy I need many of the things that I am able to naturally contribute. For example, I need to be listened to and heard and it’s important that people are kind and gentle towards me. I need to know that the person is there with me, really listening and not being distracted by what’s happening around them. And I need to be able to be emotional without being judged for it.
I’d like you to picture an image of something you are really frightened of doing. For me that image is jumping off the edge of a huge ravine on a zip line at a great height, which is exactly the situation I found myself in while on a holiday to celebrate my birthday with my husband and two close friends. When the trip was booked I hadn’t considered the height of the zip line, assuming from previous experience I would be whizzing from tree to tree about 10ft off the ground. As soon as I saw the 250ft drop I was terrified and began to cry. My husband’s reaction was to tell me to pull myself together and not to be so silly.
I stormed off to calm down, still flatly refusing to zip line as the others in the group stared at me in shock from my emotional outburst. In that moment my empathy went into stubborn mode, feeling ashamed and refusing to ask for what I needed. As I walked back to the group I saw my husband filming me on video camera, infuriating me even more, before he disappeared 1,000ft across the ravine on the zip line.
It was just me and the instructor, Christophe. ‘It’s ok,’ he said gently. ‘Take your time. If you don’t want to go you don’t have to. But you know, you will be really safe and I will be going with you. I’ll be right by your side. If you need to close your eyes or cry the whole way across you can. Whatever helps you.’ His words calmed me and my frustration started to subside.
What I understood in that moment was that what I needed was for someone to be present with me, to step into my space and understand how I was feeling and what was happening for me. As soon as I received what I needed I was off across that ravine on the zip line staring my fear in the face.
Every one of us is unique. This is backed up by Gallup who tell us that statistically the chances of someone else having the same top 5 strengths in the same order as you is 1 in 33 million.
Because we have different strengths we have different needs. When you know what the needs of your strengths are you are able to work towards meeting these and actively increase your levels of energy and fulfillment instead of feeling frustrated. Understanding the needs of your strengths is an important step in making a difference both to yourself and to others.
Do you want to discover the needs of your strengths?
